I Grew a Pair

   I am awkward, shy and sensitive by nature, I'm told. The way that I walk, talk, pretty much everything about me is in some way awkward. Now that is not exactly a downfall, I definitely see it that way anyway. But it can, however make interacting with others difficult at times. 

   Recently a switch turned in my life, I went from having a back off energy to an inviting one. Especially towards co-eds. I have always been comfortable around boys, I actually prefer them to girls. They are simple, again not a downfall, but their simple nature makes thing easier I find. Anyway, I'm good with boys that I do not like, but when it comes to the romantic interests its like my clumsiness and tendency to stutter is heightened. I become a walking fool. Haha! A trait I'm working on.

   I have this fear of rejection, like I'm sure many people have. This fear causes to take the safe road when it comes to crushes, not putting myself out there. Since I am trying this new thing, not regretting my decisions, I decided to face this this fear head on and smack it to the curb. I, for the first time let my crush, who is a friend, know that I liked him. Not in person, I'm not that brave. :) I wrote this big Facebook message explaining to him that I like him but didn't want to ruin our friendship. I did this because our friendship nearly ended in April, and even though we went with our other friends a little while ago, I don't really see that our friendship can in fact be saved from that. Maybe we will see each other here and there but not like before. So I felt that I had nothing to loose, I was rejected in a way, it wasn't that he said that he didn't feel the same about me, because he is the type of person that may not say it first but he is honest, but he did say that he wasn't ready for a relationship, which is understandable considering that he just got out of a relationship a little while ago. 

   I wasn't expecting anything from this declaration, I just wanted to know, there are just somethings that you need to know. The aftermath is what shocked me. Instead of mourning and being really upset, I felt lighter, like I was free to move on. I want a boyfriend, a boyfriend that is available and willing to start something with me. And now that I know I feel like I can do that without wondering about the what ifs. 

   Rejection isn't a total bad thing, it isn't something to be feared, it's just part of life. 

   "When you're following your inner voice, doors tend to eventually open for you, even if they mostly slam at first" - Kelly Cutrone, If You Have to Cry, Go Outside: And Other Things Your Mother Never Told You